Our Pregnancy Journey

This story is one of highs and lows, but mostly highs, as we prepare and wait for our little bean to arrive! Looking back, it’s crazy to think about everything that has happened for us to get to this point and I won’t be holding back on any of the gritty details because I know that so many women out there are going through, or have gone through, the rollercoaster of emotions that is trying to have a baby. Although it was so disheartening and exhausting at times, it was worth every sacrifice to finally get that little blue plus sign! I’m also so grateful for a Heavenly Mother whom, through this experience, I’ve been able to begin, develop and embrace a deep relationship with; she held my hand through it all.

Travis and I had been married three years when we finally felt like the timing was right to grow our family of two. We’d enjoyed several years as newlyweds, traveled to many exotic places, moved into a bigger apartment, and I'd hit the two year mark at my company, ensuring I’d get a full-paid maternity leave. Everything seemed to be falling into place in our lives and we were excited and anxiously anticipating what the future would bring. It was during this time (January of 2018) that I was called to be the Young Women’s President in my LDS congregation. This added responsibility, along with my full-time job and other side-hobbies, were very demanding of my time like never before. I began to feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed as from one day to the next I had to attend weekly Sunday meetings, mutual (youth group) every Wednesday, go on monthly temple trips, and plan and teach Sunday lessons all along with my work and home responsibilities. I had counselors who were supportive, but at the same time I felt very alone and weighed down by it all.

The amount of pressure I was under began to affect my health and I started having two menstrual flows a month. I have always been regular in my cycles, so when my period started getting out of whack, I knew something was off. I was using an app at the time to track my cycle and my period would spontaneously return during my most fertile days. I spoke to several doctors who’d just tell me to wait until the next month and that it'd eventually normalize, but besides that had no real answers for me. Another time I went to the urgent care and they checked out my hormone levels and everything was normal; still no answers. Each time I sought out help they would ask me if I was trying to conceive, and each time they did I’d just get a lump in my throat and want to burst into tears because I knew that whatever was happening to me was preventing us from having a baby. These months were such a scary time, I had no idea what was happening to me, I felt completely helpless and had zero control over my own body. I feared that whatever was happening would take away my chance of ever being a mother, there was so much uncertainty and I was terrified of what it could all mean.

After about five months of this going on and not regulating itself I finally went to the OBGYN to get some answers and some help. The NP who saw me explained to me that the Luteinizing Hormone (LH), that was responsible for triggering my menstrual cycle, was most-likely to blame. During a women’s cycle her LH slowly climbs up and peaks during ovulation (this is was ovulation kits test for), when fertilization by a sperm doesn’t occur, her LH drops suddenly, triggering her period to begin. She explained that if I was under a lot of stress that it could be causing this hormone to drop pre-maturely and trigger a second menstrual flow. She gave me a pelvic exam and found old blood in my cervix, which was abnormal and I had unknowingly began another period that day, so she prescribed my a 10-day dose of progesterone to stop the bleeding and hopefully reset my menstrual cycle. The medication worked like a charm, the bleeding stopped, and the next month when I got my period I had a 10-day period (which is unusually long for me), but it was continuous and not broken up into different weeks like before. After that month I began having regular cycles again and I couldn’t have been more relieved! But the question still remained, was I ovulating?

I began taking ovulation tests daily to track my LH and see that it was following its normal pattern of gradually rising and dropping before my period. If you’ve ever taken an ovulation test before you know that a positive result is when the line is as dark or darker than the control line. A faint line means that the hormone is present, but not at its full peak when ovulation will soon occur. Once you get a positive result, ovulation will occur 24-48 hrs later. For the first couple months I was having a faint line appear then disappear on the test, but I wasn’t getting any positive results giving me the impression that my hormones were trying to stabilize themselves again, but I wasn’t ovulating. During this time I was also trying to reduce stress by letting go of things that would typically tip me over the edge like making sure the dishes were always done before bed, having a spotless apartment, going all out and overworking myself with church activities and trying to go above and beyond at work. I began to do just what was expected of me, nothing more, nothing less, and of course the hubby would help. He was so supportive of me during all this, he’d given me numerous blessings of comfort and was doing everything he could to help me with daily chores and make sure I wasn’t feeling overworked with all my responsibilities.

I felt like my mental health was improving and slowly over many months I was finally able to get a positive reading on an ovulation test! I did everything I could to improve our chances of getting pregnant, obsessing over my cycle, taking prenatal vitamins, doing yoga twice a week and strengthening my relationship with God. During one of our churches General Conferences our prophet spoke and said, "Understand that in the absence of experiences with God, one can doubt the existence of God. So, put yourself in a position to begin having experiences with Him.” When I heard this I instantly thought of my Heavenly Mother, what, if any, experiences have I ever had with her? Does she feel the pain of all her childless daughters? Has she been reaching out to comfort me and I not noticed? What can I do begin a relationship with her? I began reading a book called Mother’s Milk, Poems in search of Heavenly Mother, which spoke of the relationship between a spiritual mother and child, which gave me a better understanding of my relationship with her:

What Chieko Taught Me

The Mother’s face

is hidden from us,

because her arms

are around us,

(Our heads rest gently

on her shoulder.)

I’d talk to her about my darkest worries and deepest fears, about the pain I felt each month when my period would come and I was once again unsuccessful at doing what my body was created by my Heavenly Parents to do. Friends on social media and co-workers were getting pregnant and having babies left and right it seemed, I’d try my best to congratulate and feel happy for them, but had no interest in seeing all their cute baby pictures or even holding their little ones when they’d bring them by the office. I put up a wall because the thought that I could possibly never have my own was too painful of a reminder during these interactions. I began to tell myself that it didn’t matter if we could never have kids, we would just keep traveling and finding fulfillment in our careers and church callings, maybe we’d adopt or get a sperm/ egg donor as a last resort. But deep down it really did matter and I couldn’t continue not knowing why.

At this point, it had been almost a year and a half of trying to get pregnant and this was when we finally decided to see a fertility specialist. We knew it’d potentially be expensive, time consuming, and we didn’t know what to expect, but I knew that we had to act and that I couldn’t just keep sitting around praying for a miracle to happen, I had to try and exhaust all avenues. That first appointment at the fertility center on May 9th was a nerve-wracking one. We were both so anxious, what if they told us we were infertile? What if I had no eggs or Trav’s sperm swam backwards? (lol) As we sat in the lobby with other couples I wondered what their stories were? Did they have any success in getting pregnant? Or were they in the same boat as me and still trying? All the anxiousness melted away as soon as we met with the Doctor and explained everything we’d been through. He had an immediate action plan to help us get the answers we needed and went to it right away!

First, he did a pelvic ultrasound to make sure that everything looked anatomically correct. There was scarring on both ovaries typical of a regular ovulatory cycle and that brought a lot of relief and confirmed my recent results on the ovulation tests. They did some blood work and we scheduled future appointments to do more tests. I had already had my period that month, so while we waited for my next cycle to get pregnant, the doctor did more tests on us. The bloodwork all came back normal, except I was low on Vitamin D so I started taking a supplement. I read through every hormone and test result and checked personally to make sure that everything was within normal range. I had a healthy amount of eggs, all my sex-hormones were present and normal, and I began to feel a little more at ease about my bodies ability to heal itself. We came back May 14th so Trav could have a sperm-count done and that came out normal as well. The last test was to do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. They inserted a catheter in my uterus and injected an iodine solution that could be seen on an x-ray. The purpose of the test was to see that the dye reached the ovaries through the fallopian tubes, this would mean that there wasn’t any sort of physical blockage that was impeding the sperm from reaching the egg. At one point he removed the catheter and re-inserted it, maybe to get a different angle, and in the end a lot of liquid and junk came gushing out (I told you I'd be sharing the gritty details!), but the test was successful and the doctor was able to show me on the screen how the dye had reached all the way to both ovaries. The nurse in the room said a lot of liquid and material came out and I remember the doctor saying, “it’s not always clear that there is a blockage, but what we do know now is that your tubes are open.” In that moment something changed inside me, I felt so positive and happy, for the first time in a long time I felt hope. He asked if we’d be trying this month since I was due to ovulate in the following days, and said he’d see me next time I begin my menstrual cycle for a trigger shot.

The next step was to take a medication on the third day of my next period that would stimulate ovulation and then time it precisely by giving me a trigger shot and having timed-sex to narrow down our fertile window. I got a prescription of Letrozole early because I was on my way to Girl’s Camp and was expecting to have my period that week. Although every exam so far had positive results and I was happy that Travis and I were both physically healthy, I started getting down on myself because I thought maybe we weren’t trying hard enough or often enough to get pregnant. I remember breaking down crying because I was taking prenatals, vitamin D, got poked and prodded multiple times at the doctors, was recording every little detail about my body temperature, sleeping habits, vaginal discharge, etc. and I was so emotionally and physically exhausted by it all. I even got mad at Travis once because I felt he had it so easy as a guy! All he had to do was jizz in a cup and have sex with his wife to do his part! (lol) I felt like I had given every part of my mind, body and soul that I had to give, I had sacrificed it all and I had nothing left in me. I’m so grateful that Travis was so patient and loving with me during this time, he understood how much more emotional this was for me being that this is what my body was supposed to do and it couldn’t. I don't know how I got so lucky with a husband like him <3

With these rollercoaster of emotions ranging from desperation to hope, and my prescription in my pack, I set off to Girls Camp for a week! It did me so much good to be in nature and away from all the noise and everyday stressors in my life. I was so wrapped up in giving these girls the funnest week of their lives, cooking meals, doing crafts, and strengthening these girls spiritually that I had little time to think about the whole baby situation. But the week came and went with no period in sight...

The next morning after returning from camp, while Travis was at the gym and running errands, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had false alarms in the past where my period was a week late, but I wasn’t pregnant, so I was hoping for the best, but preparing for disappointment as usual. No sooner did I dip the stick into the cup of pee did the first line instantly appear along with the control line! I still gave it the 3-5 minutes on my phone timer, but my excitement was rising as the line became more and more prominent— it was a positive result! I couldn’t believe it, so much so that I took a second and different brand pregnancy test just to be sure and again, a blue plus sign appeared indicating a positive result, I was pregnant!!! My heart was racing with excitement and I instantly thanked my Heavenly Parents for this miracle. I truly believe that the HSG test unblocked some old tissue left behind from my menstrual cycle fiasco and changed everything for us! I added the information into my app which indicated that I was about 5 weeks pregnant and that our baby was the size of a lentil bean, I couldn’t believe how tiny that was! I instantly scoured the internet for ideas on how to tell Travis as soon as he got home. I actually had a bag of lentils in the pantry, so with that I created a little visual aid and from then on our baby would have the nickname of our little bean <3

Travis’ reaction was hilarious as I shared with him that I made him a gift while at Girls Camp. He expected to open up the little box and find a dead animal or something gross, but as soon as he saw the test inside he knew that this wasn’t some kind of camp prank. We hugged and tears streamed from our eyes as all our sacrifices, medical tests, nights spent crying and moments of heartbreak finally came into fruition- we would be parents!

I later set our first prenatal appointment for when I’d be 9 weeks with a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) (I’ll probably write another post on why I’ve decided to see a CNM over a traditional OBGYN for those who are curious about the differences) and we anxiously awaited the day that we could actually hear our little beans heartbeat. That moment made the news that much more real, as up to that point, I was just going on the two pregnancy tests to confirm I was pregnant. Seeing our little bean on the ultrasound machine with his little leg and arm nubs moving was unreal. I'll never forget the feeling of wonder and amazement I felt that day on Friday July 5th. We also got to see his heart beating and hear the heartbeat, it was so fast! The whole thing really set in stone the fact that we were really going to be parents, it was truly unbelievable! I’m due February 5th, but how cool would it be if bean was born on my birthday (Jan. 28)?! That’d be the most epic gift life could give me.

This story is one with a happy ending after all, but I know it doesn’t end up that way for everyone. To all my friends who have loved and lost, who have suffered through the pain of infertility, or even the pain of losing a child too soon, I see you. Motherhood is such a sensitive subject for so many women, so many have taken leaps and bounds, sacrificed blood, sweat and tears to earn the title of Mother, and some have made it one way or another, whether through pregnancy or adoption, while others could not or simply chose not to. But regardless of the situation, motherhood is such small part of our identity as women. We are also wives, aunts, sisters, daughters, friends, professionals, with varied talents and abilities that go beyond what may seem like our one purpose on Earth— to procreate and give life. This title shouldn’t completely replace our identity or give us a lack of identity if we haven’t or couldn't achieve this life milestone.

Women were created for this, but women were also created for so much more...

There is so much that is happening and that I’ve yet to experience as my body continues to change and make room for this little bean inside me. I’m excited to continue through this journey with you all! If you made it this far, kudos! I promise my future posts won't be nearly as long! ;)